Death of a Parent

My dad just passed away this May after a long battle with Kidney disease. The one thing that I didn't expect was the actions of my older brother Rick. He believes that being the eldest son, he has the right to inherit everything. I know that I am half Hispanic, but this is not the way we were brought up. I grew up baseball, hot dogs, and apple pie. I was never raised in a traditional Hispanic household, and today that is not how you divide assets of your family. I am not too sure which ethnic groups give everything to the oldest son anymore, but it just sounds so archaic.

I just received a letter from my brothers attorney inquiring if I am going to give up coins that he gave to my son while visiting a few months before he died. I put the letter away and have not read it, my husband did, and he told me not to even look at it. He laughed because they are awaiting my response, but didn't include a self-addressed stamped envelope back to them. What is this world coming to? Your own brother sues you for something given to your child.

My family dynamics are pretty crazy. I had not seen my dad for almost twenty years before I entered back into his life. He was sick with kidney disease and had just had a stroke. He wasn't doing well and my children begged for me to bring him to our house, they asked me to forgive him for all his past digressions. How could I not agree with my children, the man was my father, and he was sick. Forgiveness is what I always advise my children to do, then I must lead by example. I brought my dad out for a month, took him to dialysis every other day, and picked him up and cared for him. This started in 2004 and my dad died May 2008. I was lucky to have those last over four years to have a good relationship with my father.

My brother on the other hand was angry. He thought I was taking my dad from him, like my dad was a possessions, or piece of meat. What turmoil occurred with my brother was amazing. He felt that because he spent so many years with my dad that he should be compensated somehow. The repayment is what he is after now. My father and I didn't get along because he was so abusive. My dad could have been the poster boy for battered women and child abuse. Later when we talked about what happened he told me that is what he learned from his dad. Just like they say, abuse is a repeated cycle. I couldn't be Charles Atlas any longer-it was just to heavy to carry. So I forgave him and we became close. My brother feels that I waited too long, and that I should have nothing.

The thing that bothers me the most is I never took anything from my dad while he was alive. If he sent money I would give it to my children. I felt funny taking money from him, I wanted him to know that I didn't need a payoff, I forgave him without any strings. My brother on the other hand always asked for things: down payment for a house, money for activities, and to pay for all the meals. I didn't feel comfortable with that and I didn't know if he had enough money to pay everything. I wasn't sure how much money my dad had, and I never asked.

Just before my dad died my younger brother Kevin became his power of attorney(POA) after my dad had a kidney transplant. I told my dad that if anything happened to him while he was in the hospital who would care for his finances, and that he needed someone to protect him. My father asked me to become POA, but I declined, my older brother thought I was taking over too much as it was. My younger brother Kevin was a sweetheart, he helped my dad pay his mortgage while my dad's accounts got straigtened out. My dad also put my little brother down as POD. What is POD? If you have ever been in banking then you know, but for those of you who do not, it means "payable upon death." It does not enter probate either, after death it goes to that person. What a mess that caused! Our older brother wants that also, or at least his share.

You can look at my post and think why not just give him some, but I must complete the story with an ending. While my dad went to have tranplant surgery my older brother was in Iraq, he was a medic, luckily he wasn't out in the field very much. He gave vaccinations and helped on base because of his rank. I emailed my brother and told him that my dad was not doing well after the surgery and to please come home. He told me he would if I contacted the Red Cross and had them set it up. Luckily my dad was taken off the critical list, but he stayed in the hospital. My brother was given the option of coming home to see his father, but would have to use his own time. My brother declined. He went to the Domician Republic with his new wife to celebrate their honeymoon. Please let me say that my brother and his wife had lived together for several years, she only agreed to marry him when he went overseas and she could then get benefits. He told dad that he would come and see him when he got out of the military in September. That never occured, my dad died May 19th at 4:00 a.m. He had not seen my dad since 2006.

I don't know all the answers in life, but I do know that if your parent is dying - you come to them. How will this end? God I really do not know. It causes stress to everyone. My younger brother Kevin also is being sent letters from the attorney. All I can say to this whole mess, please stress to your parents get a living trust and put it in writing. I flew to Michigan twice to get my father to set up a will, but he declined. I even told him to put everything in my brother Rick's name- again he wouldn't. What was my dad doing? I really do not know. I think deep down inside he never thought he was going to die. That is the problem the complete cycle of life ends with death.